My sophomore history teacher told me I couldn’t be a politician because I’d get stabbed. A year later my best friend stuck me with her pocket knife. The point here is that I am well aware, as is anyone who’s talked to me, that I offend people.
Here are some of the offensive things I’ve said:
- Women don’t need to vote because their husbands can do it for them
- Stop cutting for attention
- Religion is a scourge upon the Earth
- Dental health is a scam created by the government (to my orthodontist)
- Yes, it makes your ass look big
This blog mostly offends my mother, which is entirely understandable, since I regularly insult her world view. We had a conversation about this once. She said,
“Fiona, I wouldn’t let someone come into our house and be mean to you about your sexuality, so please don’t make fun of the things I consider sacred.”
“No, but you do make me go to a church that could excommunicate me, which is worse.”
She didn’t like that answer. Now she lets me know beforehand when I’m not allowed to blog about something. She also writes her own blog to make fun of me. It’s pretty good, just not as good as mine, and I highly recommend it:
The most offensive thing I’ve ever done was write this essay in 10th grade English. I had to support or reject Transcendentalism, the most deeply flawed philosophy I’m aware of next to Veganism (okay that was a joke, vegans, chill) but I was only given Transcendentalist sources to provide evidence from. According to Transcendentalism, lack of access to information is morally incorrect, so I wrote the whole essay on why I couldn’t write the essay. My teacher initially gave me a 10% in every category, including spelling, and was not happy when I pointed out that she couldn’t actually take points away in some categories because my speling is ducking prefetc. After a lot of angry threats on both sides we had another teacher grade the essay. I got a D. Worth it.
This blog post is part disclaimer, part apology. I know I hurt feelings, and I really am sorry about that- not sarcastically sorry, but genuinely apologetic. I love my mom. I love Mormons. I even love my sophomore English teacher (sort of). I realize that I’m brash, brazen, and wrong about a lot of things.
But here’s something else I know: I’m worth listening to. My life is different than yours, so my opinion is different. I know different things and I understand them in different ways. My truth is worth expressing, even if it makes some people mad.
You’re worth listening to as well. If I offend you, whether in person or in this blog, let me know.
Thanks for reading. Here’s a fun picture of a cat.
I was going to just end this post with the cat, because who doesn’t like cats?? but I thought I should probably explain some of my above statements. Because I want at least one blog post that doesn’t need to include a trigger warning. So, to clarify:
- Women should absolutely have the right to vote, as well as the right to proper healthcare and a president who isn’t a rapist
- I self-harm, and am seeing a therapist about it, which I firmly believe is the right course of action for most people. If you cut, or are in any other way in danger because of mental health, there’s a crisis textline ( it’s great because you don’t have to call people!). Text CONNECT to 741741
- Many religions do a lot of good things, but I’m embittered about the Mormon stance on women and LGBTQ rights
- Dental health is a scam. No excuses for this one. Braces are ridiculous
- A big ass is not necessarily an unfortunate thing *hums Anaconda by Nicki Minaj*
- I don’t actually like Nicki Minaj.
There. If you’re going to be offended, be angry at my taste in music.