You Write Good Blog: A How To

Hello, lovely people! I’m sure some of you are wondering how I got to be such a superb writer. Never fear! All the answers you seek can be compiled in a simple ten-step list. 

How To Write A Good Blog

1. Have good grammar and spelling. That is, well grammar and spelling. In order to practice this, spend most of your energy correcting the everyday language of your friends and family. Not only will you become a better writer, the people around you will definitely appreciate your efforts at helping them become their best selves. This is especially appreciated on Facebook.
2. Choose a platform. Concentrating on one issue will help you gain a reader base. My platform is “anything I feel like ranting about”.
3. Be #relatable.
4. Include comedy. People are more likely to read your blog if you’re funny, so it helps to have a reserve of good jokes. My personal favorite is this:
Knock knock.
Whose there?
You mean “who’s”.
5. Be interesting. I live every day as if I’m going to blog about it, so if I haven’t done anything worth writing about I quickly do something interesting, like steal a car. Of course, since that’s illegal I can’t actually tell people I did it, but you get the idea.
6. Piss people off. If you don’t get at least one good death threat per post, you’re doing it wrong. Sometimes I have to threaten myself, which is called being suicidal and frustrates my therapist, but it’s worth it.
7. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.
8. Writing in Latin isn’t pretentious, it’s sexy. I recommend using Google Translate to write each of your posts in a different language. Your readers probably won’t be able to understand you, but you’ll look smart.
9. Spread awareness on social media. Twitter is great for this. I don’t actually have a Twitter account, but if the president can use it so can us lowly intellectuals. 
10. Pick a different medium. Like your private diary. People are more likely to read it that way.