I Tell You Your Holiday Horoscope

In this stressful time, we all need a little something to guide us. That something is the stars. And since most of us don’t have sextants, we must turn to astrology to navigate. Continue reading to hear your holiday horoscope!


Aquarius: You will celebrate a holiday.


Pisces: You will receive a gift.


Aries: You will hear a song. It is a song you have heard a million times before. Your ears will start to bleed. Wipe the blood away before it falls on the carpet, or the carpet demon will eat you.


Taurus: There will be cookies. Be careful of the cookies. Don’t eat them. Give them to me instead. There, that’s better.


Gemini: Did you know that Gemini is the sign of the twin? You don’t have a twin. You did have a twin once, but that was a long time ago. You don’t remember your twin anymore.


(Testicular) Cancer: Isn’t it funny how we decided that North is “up”? We are a single planet circling a star in an immense and ever-expanding universe. Any direction could have been “up”. But someone decided it was North and we all just went along with it.


Leo: The entire text of the Bee movie.


Virgo: Star signs have no basis in scientific reality. Horoscopes are an absurd human invention. Unless I like what they tell me.


Libra: To be honest, I’m just making this up as I go.


Benedict: I actually don’t know the rest of the star signs.


Pineapple: Name one person sexier than you. I’ll wait. Whoa, hold on, I said one person. One was enough. That’s too many people. Slow down.


The Number Pi: