I Set Things on Fire

I’m sitting next to my boyfriend, and I’m bored, so I walk up to the kitchen and grab a paper towel and set it on fire. It’s pretty, I like the flames flicking the paper as it folds to ash, and I like the danger of potentially burning the house down.

“Okay okay,” says my boyfriend. “We can play Scrabble.”

Boredom is a problem for me. I like a lot of things- reading, Netflix, arguing with people- but sometimes depression makes me lose interest in everything. When this happens I invent new hobbies. Baking was the most recent one, and I now know a great recipe for mini apple tartlets (included below). I’ve also learned to draw umbrellas (poorly), blog (even more poorly) and embroider (ie, tangle embroidery floss and then give up).

Adrenaline makes life interesting. This is probably not the safest way for me to live, as it leads to situations such as me sitting on the roof of a moving car while dangling my legs through a skylight. When I’m the one driving, I go 40 over the speed limit and don’t wear my seatbelt. I also cut my own hair, which is arguably the most dangerous thing I do. To quote a great musical no one’s heard of, “Life begins when you know how it ends”*. I already know what’s going to kill me- depression- so why not get my adrenaline rush in the meantime?

Wow that was dark. Thanks, Sad Fiona. Happy Fiona, do you have any comments?

Parkour Meme

Because I am a total cliche, in addition to blogging I write poetry, and I’m going to share one with you! Yes, you! Because you’re lucky enough to be blessed by me. Although in reality, this is a sad poem (cliche, remember?) so I won’t be offended if you skip it. In fact, I won’t even know if you skip it, because this is a blog and I can’t actually see you. That’s how the internet works.


If I Die By Cyanide


If I die by cyanide

Bury me under six feet deep

Lay me in forbidden churchyard

I’ve seen no crime- though rumors creep


Tell my mother I’m a hero

Saved a child caught at sea

Snatched three kittens from a fire

But was crushed by falling beams


To my father, I was climbing

Daring up a rocky face

Spelunking through some jewelled cavern

Only lost in venture’s grace


Proclaim false myths of martyrdom

Rave legends as my sisters cry

Say I was hanged like Robin Hood

Or crowned with thorns, then crucified


Don’t tell them it was cyanide

At the funeral, stand through rain

Nod to mourners; when they ask you

Speak of laughter, not my pain


Pretend I’m braver than I was

At my coffin, lie, because

I loathe the weak-willed suicide

Though I’ll die by cyanide


Does anyone else struggle with boredom? If you do, I recommend candles. They’re fairly safe to burn, and they smell good, which is a plus. You can burn candles instead of showering.

Here’s my apple tartlet recipe:


  1. Look online for an apple tartlet recipe.
  2. Make that.


*I can’t tell you the name of the musical, because I never use real names in my blog without permission, and since the musical isn’t sentient it can’t give consent.