Advice Column: How Do I Kill My Family? And Other Important Questions

Dear Fiona,

 

I hate my family. How do I kill all of them without anyone finding out?

 

Sincerely,

Your Little Sister

 

Dear Winnie,

 

I’m telling Mom.

 

Love,

The Favorite Child

 

………

 

Dear Queen,

 

Will I make friends in college?

 

Sincerely,

Antisocial

 

Dear Anti,

 

Probably not.

 

Love,

Queen Fiona

 

………

 

Dear Fiona Chai,

 

I’m depressed. How do I pet a giraffe?

 

Please respond promptly,

Dying in Denver

 

Dear Dying,

 

I think you can pet giraffes at the San Diego Zoo. Here’s some directions that might help: drive to the Golden Gate Bridge, park your car, get out, jump off the edge.

 

Hope this helps!

Fiona Chai

 

………

 

Fifi,

 

How do I steal my sister’s stuff before she goes to college?

 

Thanks,

Winnie

 

Winnie,

 

Touch my things and I will kill you in your sleep.

 

Love,

Big Sis

 

………

 

Dear QueerProtagonist,

 

My arm is stuck in a vent. Pls help.

 

Hurry!

Stuck

 

Dear Stuck,

 

Have you tried not sticking your arm in vents?

 

Thoughtfully,

 

Fiona Chai

 

………

 

Dear Fiona,

 

My girlfriend is going to college 2,ooo miles away in New York CIty because for SOME REASON Colorado isn’t good enough for her. How do I cope?

 

Love,

Horny and Depressed

 

Dear Boyfriend,

 

I’M SORRY OKAY?

 

Love,

Fiona

 

………

 

Dear The Queer Protagonist,

 

I’m in love with my older coworker who blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

 

Yours truly,

Pining at Pratt

 

Dear Pining,

 

Shut up!

 

With utmost sincerity,

 

Fiona Chai

 

… … …

 

Dear Fiona,

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend. How do I get over him?

 

Sincerely,

Horny and Depressed 2.0

 

Dear Horny 2.0,

 

You won’t. Ever.

 

Best wishes,

Fiona Chai

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I Graduate

Did you know that you can fail homeroom? You can, in fact, fail homeroom. I did because I had 12 unexcused absences, and I also failed math, which meant I almost didn’t graduate.

Let me be clear: I am not bad at math. I’ve been taking advanced math classes since I was 12. I am, however, bad at doing homework. And showing up for class. And paying attention on the rare occasions I do show up. So I’m bad at several vital life skills, but math isn’t one of them.

One of my fellow honors students called me a “senior burnout”. I contend this statement. I did a lot of work this semester. I took three weeks off from history to work on my novel, which I’ve since finished the fourth draft of. (Your applause is necessary.) School made both my depression and anxiety worse, so I only went to the classes I had to, and spent the rest of my time not dying.

That makes it sound like I’m using depression as an excuse to ditch class. I’m not. I would have ditched class anyway. I also take full responsibility for my actions and will accordingly deal with the consequences in a mature manner. In this case, there were no consequences, because my math teacher boosted my grade last minute and I ended up graduating alongside 300 people who I’d never seen in my life. (I swear- there were people at graduation who don’t even go to our school.)

I’m happy to be done with school. I’m even happier that I graduated instead of being expelled, which, given some of my activities, was completely possible. For example, vandalism. Schools have this weird grudge against vandals. I’ve reformed though, since my trademarked Gay Friend is now a school custodian. And because I’m a good person. Obviously.

Graduation Photo

Side Note: I will soon be posting an advice column. If you have a question or issues I can advise you on, please comment! Otherwise, I’ll just make problems up, a skill I’ve spent several years developing.