I sometimes have a difficult time following “rules”, which I like to refer to as “suggestions”. This occasionally gets me in trouble with the law. I’ve found, however, that it’s not very hard to make police officers like you- you just have to be a young white female and pretend you’re stupid.
For example, the first time I was pulled over, the conversation went something like this:
“I’m really sorry Officer. Was I doing something wrong?”
“Ma’am, do you know what the speed limit is?”
“It’s twenty-five, ma’am.”
“Gosh golly! I’m so sorry, Officer. I thought this was a highway.”
“This is a neighborhood.”
“Oops. Lol. Good thing I’m not black, right? Love your lipstick.”
This technique is actually guaranteed to work, as I have never been arrested. I did come close once, though. This past summer, my girlfriend and I spent a lot of time in the Man Cave ™ I made in the back of my car (for a step-by-step tutorial, see the previous post). We had a favorite parking lot and everything. Unfortunately, our parking lot of choice was attached to a public park, and it’s illegal to stay on government property after God paints the sunset. Or something like that. Also, when the cop found us, Miley had been drinking and I was out passed the state curfew. Oops.
So anyway, this cop is all “I’ll give you a moment to collect yourselves”, which I interpreted to mean “stare blankly into the flashing lights of the police car in order to induce a seizure”. Then he said,
“Your license, ma’am,”
and I said, “Yes I have one”
and he said, “I need to see it.”
So I handed it to him, but the lights were still flashing and suddenly I felt very, very sick. I doubled over on the asphalt, hands on the ground, heaving.
Have you ever had a seizure?
I haven’t either, actually. I have had a very kind police officer help me up and set me back in my car with a water bottle he produced from God knows where. Miley said afterwards that he must have a soft spot for gay kids, because she was pretty sure I was about to be arrested for drunk driving, and she’d have to explain to my parents why they had to pick me up from the station at two in the freakin morning. Personally, I was using words stronger than “freakin”. (They start with the same letter though.)
Here’s a picture of me with the cop. Miley’s there too, but since we aren’t talking anymore I had to blur her face.
When I was younger, I was a staunch believer in the Mormon church, which has a lot of rules. Here are a few of the actual Mormon commandments.
- Don’t wear tank tops.
- Don’t wear bikinis.
- Don’t wear skinny jeans.
- Don’t be mean to people.
- Unless they’re women. Or black. Or gay. Or wrong.
- Don’t drink hot drinks. This means coffee and tea. Hot cocoa is okay, because it isn’t caffeinated. Also, caffeinated soda is okay. But hot + caffeinated = bad.
- Always wear your magic underwear.
- Child abuse, rape and murder are punishable by excommunication. So is gay marriage.
Following so many rules for the first sixteen years of my life has had some interesting effects. For example, I now wear exclusively bikinis. I’ve gotten complaints from the school, and they aren’t very comfortable to sleep in, but other than that I’ve enjoyed my small act of rebellion. Another side effect of Mormonism is that, like all good Mormons, I know eighteen ways to make green jello. But because I’m a bitter asshole, I only make green jello that’s hot and caffeinated, and then I make my family watch me eat it. I’ve included my favorite green jello recipe below so that we can all be miserable together.
Probably the biggest Mormon rule I’ve broken is the “be mean to gay people” one. I’m actually nice to gay people. Well, I’m nice to gay women. I buy them coffee. Also, we kiss.
How to Make Fiona’s Fantabulous Green Jello:
- Die. Or kill someone. Whichever works best for you.
- Have a funeral.
- The Mormons will bring you green jello.
I promise, this works. It really does. Mormons have a thing for funerals.
*I change everyone’s name in my blog, unless given express permission. I myself have given myself permission to use my real name, which is Fiona Chai. Fiona Chai means “white life”, which is cool because it’s completely racist.